#this is the first thing I've written in MONTHS and it's deranged and I had fun so yay!!!

[butterfirefly]

@cat-tyy I have. no idea what I just wrote. Enjoy.

“AAAAH!”

“Zion. Zion! Let’s calm do—oof.”

“Zion-ssi, I think—‘ack!’—it would be best if you—‘Did you just bite me?!’—both just stayed still—‘Get away from me!’ ‘I can’t!’—for a moment,” Eugis finishes weakly.

She glances to their right where Serpens is fretting over them (one more than the other, actually, but that’s not the point), looking very much like a weeping angel.

“Do you want me to calm your mind, Zion?” he offers tearfully, his palm alight with divine power.

“No. Just get him away from me!”

“I told you, he can’t,” Humanus interjects, fending off Zion’s pinwheeling arms. “He’d have to slice us up first.”

Zion pauses in his assault against the crown prince and takes a moment to absorb his words. He then turns to Serpens with conviction.

“Will you be able to do that painlessly if you used a divine blade?”

Serpens begins to sob.

Eugis watches Zion hug him as best as he can and silently brings her hands together, asking the goddess Luxmea if she could perhaps break the spell presently so they could all be rescued from their current predicament.

You see, at the moment, Zion and Humanus are—quite literally—attached at the hip.

It all began with Humanus bragging about his tree house.

“It was our favorite hangout back when we were little,” he said around a mouthful of cookies.

“Really,” Zion said doubtfully.

“Yeah. We used to play there all the time.” They both turned towards Serpens.

Serpens took a sip of his tea and placed it back on the table without a sound. “We did.”

“Can we go see it?” Zion and Eugis asked in tandem, the former asking Serpens and the latter asking the actual owner.

Humanus clapped his hands excitedly. “Sure! Let’s go right now.”

“Ahem,” Winston cleared his throat. “Sunbae, I believe you said you were ‘swamped with work’ today.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Zion said with a flippant wave of his hand, already pushing Serpens towards the door. “I’ll just do it later.”

Winston mutely held his gaze, and Eugis once again found herself marveling at how Zion could brush off the pressure coming from the 7 foot-tall knight without breaking a sweat.

“Let’s go!” he cheered, and on they went.

They arrived at the base of a magnificent tree behind the crown prince’s palace. The sight of it sent a pang to Eugis’s heart, the towering trees of her own kingdom brought to the forefront of her mind. Dozens of feet above the ground, a tree house sat snugly between thick branches, looking well-maintained and not at all like it had been abandoned for a decade.

“Is this sturdy enough for Winston and me?” Zion asked, inspecting the rope ladder that hung before them.

“Pretty sure it can handle Winston’s weight,” Humanus said with a quizzical tilt of his brow. “But why do you say it like that?”

“What, you expect me to climb this myself?”

“Uh, yeah? Serpens and I did it all the time when we were kids.”

Zion stared at him incredulously, then began pointing at all of them starting with Humanus. “Divine power.” At Serpens. “Divine power.”

“Elf!” Eugis said helpfully once it was her turn, earning an appreciative nod from her friend.

“Muscle,” he continued, pointing at Winston’s scowling face. Then at himself. “Puny human.”

“It’s just a ladder,” Humanus said, unmoved.

Zion took a deep breath, and Eugis hurriedly grabbed him in a bridal carry before he could start insulting his future king. “We’re off first~”

And with the help of her wind spirit, the two of them shot up in the air towards the open doorway of the tree house, Zion screaming all the while and clutching at her neck hard enough to tickle (he was puny like that).

By the time the rest of them had reached the tree house, Zion had regained his wits and was back to being his jovial, energetic self.

“Look at all this stuff!”

“I know, right?” Humanus said, dragging Zion towards a rocking horse bedecked with jewels. “Here, this was one of my favorites.” As was typical, he failed to notice the mildly disgusted look Zion threw his way when he caught sight of the colorful gems and missed his muttered “Rich people”.

Serpens, not wanting to be outdone, quickly searched for other toys to present to him. Winston opted to pretend to stand guard near the entrance, resignedly looking on as his illustrious master tried to get Zion off the rocking horse by tempting him with a miniature holy sword.

Eugis took it all in with a contented smile. With a happy sigh, she calmly walked around the spacious room, studying each item and wondering which of them Serpens could have genuinely enjoyed. She gravitated towards a shelf full of books, running her fingers against their spines and picturing a young Serpens reading them (prolific her imagination though may be, she couldn’t quite bring herself to imagine Humanus ever cracking open a book outside of his princely classes). Picking a book at random—a tome bound by warm brown leather, the color of Zion’s eyes—she perched on the windowsill and began to read.

It was several minutes later when the outside world filtered into her senses.

“Serpens, what’s this for?” Zion asked, holding a nondescript key in his palm.

“Um... I’m afraid I don’t know.”

He turned to Humanus next. “Your Highness?”

“Hmm?”

Zion held the key towards him and repeated the question.

“Huh...” Humanus said, pondering for a moment, taking it from Zion’s hand and turning it this way and that, before giving it back with a shrug. “Dunno.”

“But this is yours, isn’t it? It was in your toy chest.”

“Must be, yeah.”

Zion clicked his tongue.

“Did you just—”

“Never mind, Your Highness. I’ll figure it out myself.”

Contrary to his words, Zion immediately asked for Serpens’s help, and together they began to look about the room searching for its lock. Eugis joined them soon after—

“Perhaps it’s for a secret door that leads to the heart of the castle, but His Majesty the king had thought you unprepared for such knowledge so he asked a mighty wizard to wipe it from your memory!”

—and Winston saw it his duty to help his master as well. They scoured every inch of the tree house, leaving no furniture or stuffed animal unturned.

Finally, after nearly a quarter of an hour, Humanus let out a triumphant shout, holding something up as he sat on the floor.

“Found it!”

“Don’t be so proud, Your Highness, you were supposed to know to begin with.”

Humanus threw Zion a hurt look. “At least congratulate me...”

“Yes, yes,” Zion said obediently, already sidling up to him to see it for himself. “Congratulations, Your Highness. You’re very smart. Good job remembering what you forgot.”

“...”

Eugis approached them and stood over them to find the keyhole... in the middle of a toy knight’s chest.

“What the heck is that?” Zion asked as he knelt next to him, resting a hand on his shoulder for balance and looking at the strange doll askance.

“It’s a doll I commissioned,” Humanus explained unhelpfully—Zion’s distrustful gaze turned to him. “Why are you suddenly looking at me like that?”

“... Anyway, is it a wind-up toy or something?”

“A what?”

“Never mind. Just put the key in the keyhole already.”

Zion handed the key over to him, and the three of them—Serpens had joined Eugis to stand over the two, and Winston had gone back to his station next to the doorway—watched in rapt attention as Humanus slotted it into the keyhole and gave it a single twist. There was a soft click, and for a short, awkward moment nothing happened, and Eugis was left wondering if the crown prince of the kingdom had somehow commissioned a fraud.

But then a blinding light swallowed Humanus and Zion whole, and she could do nothing but cry in alarm as the two disappeared in a flash of green.

The brilliant light disappeared as quickly as it came, and an unbelievable sight revealed itself before her.

Eugis stared in abject horror.

Serpens started mewling.

Humanus screamed so loudly Euges’s ears folded against her head of their own accord.

And Zion stared down at his—and now Humanus’s—body and was only able to let out a soft “what the fu-” before he promptly fainted.

Eugis must’ve dissociated for a bit, because she can’t recall what happened while he was passed out. But now Zion’s awake, and Eugis is lucid again, and all she can do as they wait for the magic scroll to expire is to prevent her friend from committing regicide.

She gently encloses his wrists in her grasp to stop him from pulling at Humanus’s luscious goldfish locks again.

“It was supposed to be a prank, but Serpens never asked what the key was for and after awhile I just forgot!”

“You forgot you commissioned a doll to be booby trapped with a merging scroll?!” Zion all but shrieks, his voice reaching new decibels and causing Humanus to hold up a glowing hand against the ear closest to him. “Get on your knees!”

“What?” Humanus asks in bewilderment, then repeats it a second time with more fervor when Serpens—as if on instinct—folds his legs beneath him and raises both arms above his head, his angelic face full of contrition.

Eugis lets go of Zion with a sigh and watches him comfort the now crying Serpens. She’s quite certain elves don’t get migraines—she hasn’t had one herself despite having lived for hundreds of years—so the building ache behind her eyes must be a side effect from the scroll’s magic. Right?

[neege]

Wolfstar Lesbian Prom AU

Umm, so this is the first time I've ever really written anything for fun, and especially for a fandom space, so please be gentle 💓

Basically, I've been sitting on this idea of Remus trying to impress Sirius by getting all dressed up for the Prom, and I thought I'd just be brave and write it myself!! This is really short and I might write more later.

Also: since I only really have knowledge of US highschools and proms, that's kind of the setting this takes place in—my apologies if this bothers you!

Remus's legs ached from where she was folded up on the bathroom floor before the mirror. She examined her reflection in the mirror—her hair frizzy in some places, wet in others. There was currently only one curl on her head that had come out decent, but it was now crunchy from the copious amount of hairspray that was used to keep it in tact. Now it just looked fake. Like creepy plastic doll hair. 

Remus felt tears of frustration sting her eyes, and squeezed them closed before remembering that she'd applied mascara, and that it was probably all smudged now. 

She unplugged the curling iron from the socket—useless fucking thing—before starting at the sound of a knock on the door. 

"Remus? All good in there? It's been over an hour-" Remus yanked open the door from where she sat on the ground, and twisted herself to face Lily's expression fighting itself into a neutral one.

"Lily I'm begging you to fix me!" Remus turned back to gesture frantically at herself in the mirror, "I look horrible! I look like maybe I used to look fine, but then got stuck in a washing machine. And then a dryer."

God, this is all Sirius's fault...

She felt herself get worked-up again turned back to Lily—who gently pulled Remus's hands away from where she was frantically trying to rub off the smudgy mascara. She gave her most reassuring—least reassuring—smile before speaking.

"Remus, look at me—it'll be fine! Hop in the shower really quick and wash your face, and I'll finish getting ready so I can help you with your hair and makeup, okay?" Remus sniffled a little pathetically, but nodded, "Plus we still have about an hour and a half until we need to leave for the Potters, we have plenty of time to get you all pretty!" 

Ah, Remus thought, leaving for the Potters.

To pick up James and Pete.

And Sirius. 

Jesus. 

Because that was the whole thing wasn't it? Remus didn't just wake up one day with the deranged idea to spend her free Saturday in an uncomfortable dress, with uncomfortable hair—can hair be uncomfortable?—dancing awkwardly around a hot, stuffy gym with people who she doesn't even like that much—who don't even like her...

She's not doing this for the memories—she's not Lily fucking Evans!

No, this can all be blamed on the only person who could ever make Remus participate in something so far out of her comfort zone, she can't even see it anymore. 

It started with Sirius—newly gay and newly kicked-out of her parents house—slowly getting comfortable enough to start talking girls with the one and only James Potter.

In fact, it was nearly two whole months ago when Remus first heard the words that would inevitably lead to her losing the weak, frail grip she still had on her remaining sanity: 

Emma Pierce is pretty hot don't you think?

[muppet-chaos]

❤️,🎁, 📚, 💌? (as many or few as u wanna answer!)

❤️ Picking a specific line that stands out is hard. When I'm picturing my favorite parts I tend to stop breaking stuff down at scenes but the first thing that came to mind was from Not The Type To Ever Heal:

The other Michael let out a chuckle, deranged, afraid, and said, “God. I think that’s, I think I can feel your diaphragm moving, when you do that. I think that’s what that is.”

I, really love writing horror and gore and I think this moment was the peak of the horror in this fic. It got a lot of fun reactions from people too.

🎁Most of my wips rn are still in the plot bunny stage but here's a little thing I never finished from Mike4Mike month that hopefully I'll get back to eventually. I really love Ace from @solipsistful's Daemon AU for WOE.BEGONE so this was an attempt at writing something in that setting.

Something was off about Mdawg’s daemon. (Mikey had asked for his name and then immediately sworn to himself that he would forget it, it was exactly as atrocious as he should have expected from the people who happily went along with the names Mdawg and Edman. He’d accepted the name Mdawg but poor Androclese didn’t deserve to get dragged through the mud alongside him.) It wasn’t the stupid little Hawaiian shirt that Mdawg had dressed him up in. He’d gotten used to that sort of nonsense after he had to live with Michael. (And he would never admit it but it was kind of cute.)

📚 Oh god uhhh, there are so many good writers in this fandom it's genuinely difficult to choose just one or two people to recommend. @hyperfocusedcloneshipper obviously goes without saying but I'm gonna take this chance to hype up some of their fics that they don't talk about as much.

This Art Is Worth It is a Ryan/Topher/Eagle fic they wrote for our birthday last year and it is, just, insanely good. They captured all of the best things about these characters. This description is not doing it justice but if you have any interest in this kind of horny gorey goodness and you haven't read it yet please do.

Making up for lost time (non-con warning) is one of their other very few one-shot works from Mike4Mike month and its, incredibly impressive the amount of intense emotion that is packed into such a short work. I am always in awe of how they write Edgar.

I also want to take this chance to rec ProbablyNotSafeForWork they have, a ton of amazing fics (written in a surprisingly short time). Some of my favs are Of Cowboys and Princesses, a Michael/Boris feminization fic I've read a frankly absurd amount of times, and Trust is Earned, Not Given from the latest flood of a/b/o stuff in the tag.

💌 I'm not sure this is a trope exactly but I'm a sucker for 5+1 style fics, and other similar stuff. I only have the one fic strictly in that form but I have several out or in the works that are that sort of, loosely connected incidents building up to a final moment style and I just think it's a very fun format to write.

[sinofwriting]

then I get an idea/inspo and it's off to the races (get it? I think I'm so funny).

honestly very relatable, sometime one(!!) single thing sparks an idea, then the next thing you know it's on your mind 25/8 and suddenly you're writing a whole lot of something that you were absolutely not prepared for but you can't let it go bc they've latched on to your mind🐥. smiled at the joke/gen

The fic your talking about, Made For Each Other, would honestly work well for babytrapping if it wasn't for the fact that reader would happily have Max's kids with only like three months of dating under their belt, lol.

yes! i love that fic so much.(I've actually downloaded it so that i can read it no matter what even when i have no internet😊) i fear that they are too coo coo for cocoa puffs too see that as a problem (me 2🤞 but only fictionally). i could kinda see it for please oh please or maybe even private professor if they didn't immediately get married and live happily ever after(i love them so much, I'm actually tearing up). regardless, i would eat that eat up for them, they're both crazy enough that I could maybe see like a miscommunication issue and then both of them panicking about losing one another and then instantly secretly trying to 'trap' the other into being connected 4ever🤩[talking about made for each other]

idk what max fic ive written is crazier made for each other or causing problems

personally i think it's definitely made for each other!max. max was just being (kinda understandably) weirded out and then possessive + messy in causing problems. while in made for each other he literally saw that girl and said, "yeah that's the love of my life, I will do absolutely anything to make her my wife" and then rearranged everything in his life to make sure that they'd be together. also, he was just overall crazier and that was super hot {gets shot} he definitely takes the cake and there's a spot specially for him in my brain.

There will be more Ollie fics! I have a request for him and an idea of my own for him. Will probably work on one of those after this lestappen fic idea I got yesterday (the press conference was a gold mine)

yay! can't wait!!! {everyone loved that🙂‍↕️}

also, yeah! I would love a nickname💞

adding on to my previous ask, mfeo!max literally (and I quote) thought this about reader being involved with someone else b4 him "He knows that if she had been seeing someone his blood would be boiling everytime his name got brought up or even hinted at" while cproblems!max wasn't that jealous about leclerc!reader and pierre.

speaking of that quote, i would've actually loved to see what he would've done if reader had a boyfriend or was seeing someone(casually!!) while they met. (absolute deranged and unhinged behaviour no doubt) like tried to ruin the person's life or have them taken care of😊 I'm guessing.

I have so many wips (for F1) and my brain coming up with new ideas doesn't help with that. (putting the rest under read more, cause I yap)

Writing Made For Each Other was trip. I went into that and was like... I don't know how people are gonna feel about this. Very happy that you like it! You are not wrong, lol they both are crazy enough about each other that they would try and baby trap each other. Which would honestly I think read as both desperate and funny.

Rereading please, oh please, if I was to write that today, I think that the second part would include Max trying his damndest to get her pregnant, not baby trapping necessarily, but just lots of unprotected sex, hoping that it catches. Or at least him thinking about it.

And yeah you are right. Max in mfeo is crazy (it's okay though, he's cute) while Causing Problems Max is just messy. He's honestly just a guy who learned that his girlfriend/first crush/sexual awakening lost her virginity to her brother's best friend, her friend, and his former teammate... My brain makes some interesting ideas.

He's also not weirded out, just angry because he figured that whoever she lost her virginity too wasn't in her life anymore (y'know what they say about assumptions) and while he does bring up her only being 14 in Charles hotel room with everyone, he's really just using it as an excuse to be mad at Pierre. Pierre threw him a fucking lifeline unintentionally with the whole “Max, your issue with this is the age difference. And I imagine it’s worse because of Kika, yes?” Was he surprised by her being 14? Yeah, but it's established that it was because of Lorenzo and Charles being overprotective nightmares, lol.

Made For Each Other Max is a different breed, lol. I've talked about it before but I think Max in fics is the perfect candidate for love at first sight. He doesn't believe in it but then it happens and that is that. He will be getting that person.

Also this: "He knows that if she had been seeing someone his blood would be boiling every time his name got brought up or even hinted at" insane from me. That is insane behavior from me. But, yeah he is a jealous boy.

I briefly toyed when writing it with her having a boyfriend when they met, but I already had to deal with Kelly and I liked the idea of her being unattached.

But, since you brought it up, if she had... Max would have been fucking insane. She stops him from kissing her and then just a few seconds later stops him from calling Kelly to break up with her just so he can kiss her. If she been seeing someone... well she would have done the same thing but with the added,

"Max," and his name is near breathless and he doesn't know if he wants to feel her lips on his or her lips against his skin again more. "I have to break up with someone, we can't"

Green would have taken over, he'd be grabbing her hand, dragging her out of the party they were at to his hotel, the drunkness he had been feeling gone with her words, and he's texting Kelly that it's over, that he wants what little she has at his gone before he gets back in two days. And when they finally get to his hotel room, he's kissing her, slipping his fingers between her legs and then finally when he's got her on his bed, fully inside her, he'd be making her call who she's been seeing as has her break up with them while he makes her moan his name.

... so yeah it's confirmed that mfeo!Max is fucking insane. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Also, nicknaming you 💞 anon. I now have to find what asks are yours and go back and tag them, lol.

[crowns-of-violets-and-roses]

for the year end book ask meme - 3, 16, 17. for the opinion one uhh 36

3 What were your top five books of the year?

not ordered, and forgive me for listing six instead of five (my spreadsheet gives 6 books which I gave one of my two highest ratings to and I can't bear to cut one off)

Hav - a book by travel writer Jan Morris about her visit to the island nation of Hav. While Morris was a real life travel writer Hav doesn't exist. Morris invented it to write the book. Sadly the only book of fiction she's written and I've intermittently considered getting into travel writing so I can read more of her. (Also have had a half written post in my drafts for months about why everyone needs to read this)

Pale Fire - a novel by Nabokov about a fictional author who wrote and includes the deranged annotations of his editor. Nabokov is a master of language and the frame here is a lot of fun.

The Silent Cry - A masterpeice by Ōe. It almost felt like it was too quintessentially Ōe, bordering on self-parody, when I first finished reading (a father coping with the birth of his mentally handicapped child, brothers returning to their childhood village, the effects of a peasant revolt by a previous generation on the present...) but that feeling faded. The platonic ideal of an Ōe novel.

Eugene Onegin - I read the Falen translation. I often find long form verse a struggle to get through but this was a joy to read. Nobody told me Pushkin was going to make his foot fetish extremely evident by the end of the first chapter.

A Succession of Bad Days - part of a fascinating self published series of fantasy novels about a polity in a world ruled by individual sorcerers that have amassed power that has managed to carve out a more egalitarian and democratic form of governance.

Trafalgar - picked this up on a whim recently after seeing a tumblr post by, I think, @fipindustries quoting it. A collection of linked short stories about Trafalgar Medrano a spacefaring merchant who spins stories for his friends of his travels over cups of coffee in the cafés of Rosario. I didn't have much in the way of expectations going in but this was brilliant.

16 What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

It has to be Nettle & Bone, even though I didn't go in with high expectations it did win a Hugo and judging by the number of reviews on Goodreads it might be Kingfisher's most read book.

Cloying, twee and a tedious romantic subplot. It attempts to talk about gender and class but never says anything interesting. Made all the more frustrating with the glints of promise shown on the visit to the goblin market, the flashbacks and Fenris's backstory (which actually gave us a country with characteristics other than generic fairy tale fantasy kingdom with a couple of single word descriptors)

It moved Kingfisher firmly into the 'not for me' category unless something major changes.

17 Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

Claire Keegan's Foster about an Irish girl sent to live with a family in the countryside for the summer. I'd previously read her book Small Things Like These after it was shortlisted for the Booker and was underwhelmed. I decided to give this one ago after hearing the film adaptation got an Oscar nomination. I thought this was much better than Small Things Like These and benefited from Keegan leaving the story speak for itself.

36 - Hotel Iris by Yōko Ogawa. A story about a young woman who lives in the hotel her mother operates who becomes embroiled in a sadomasochistic relationship with an abusive man. I find the use of sadomasochism in literary fiction is often tiresome and this wasn't entirely an exception to that but Ogawa's prose more than made up for that. Somewhat overshadowed by being the next book I read by her after The Memory Policy which is brilliant but it's still a great book.

[thatgirlwithasquid]

I got tagged by @hg-deranged-edition (ty <3)

20 Questions for Fic Writers (& Artists)

1. How many works do you have on ao3(Tumblr)?

41 on AO3, but I think I have another 2 one-shots on Tumblr that I never got round to cross-posting

2. What's your total ao3 (Tumblr) word count?

253,123 which... wow ok neat

3. What fandoms do you write for?

A lot lmao. I organised my google drive a few months back and I have a lot of folders now hahaha. A quick count says I've started something for 24 fandoms, good lord.

The ones I've actually posted for are Stranger Things, Harry Potter, Andi Mack, Detroit: Become Human, Arcane, Encanto, The Host, and Little Nightmares

4.What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Playing Pretend : 2,204 kudos

Severus Snape and the Burden of Responsibility : 694 kudos

Thirium Pooling in His Chest (Bleeding Different, Feeling the Same) : 511 kudos

Communication and Cuddles : 440 kudos

Not Quite Less Than Romantic : 396 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to make a point to respond to every comment, but I fell out of the habit. It's something I really want to get back into doing, because I really appreciate receiving them <3

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Either I've Been There For A While or Severus Snape and the Burden of Responsibility (I got a fair few distraught comments on the latter lol)

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Playing Pretend, probably. That one's just a lot of cutesy friends to lovers that I wrote in a state of sheer obsession when Encanto first came out. Or maybe To Cherish and be Cherished which is just 400 ish words of fluff

8. Do you get hate on any fics (Art)?

I've been lucky enough that people engaging with my writing have been overall really kind. I have had like 2 slightly rude comments, but I don't think that was intentional :)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have! It was a challenge cause my ace brain doesn't like working that way, but I wrote a voyeurism/exhibitionism Jonathan x Jason fic. I actually feel quite happy with it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't posted any, but I do have an abandoned wip in my drafts, if that counts?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but if anyone wanted to translate my stuff I'd be perfectly happy with that.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I am open to the idea of that. If anyone wants to co-write a fic feel free to reach out :)

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Cunningway!! At this point I think everyone knows lmao. I feel like I bring them up a lot, even though I am trying to not be obnoxious about them. I just love them a lot!

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uh, is saying 'all of them' cheating? There are so many wips in my google drive that, realistically, I'm never going to go back to. But if I had to pick one... maybe the this untitled Thomally fic I was writing?

16. What are your writing strengths?

lmao fuck if I know. Coming up with ideas, maybe? Everything else is a bit of a struggle.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sustaining my ability to focus. I also feel like I struggle with balancing speech and description.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Idk. I've done it before in Playing Pretend to match how the characters speak in the film, but I can only speak English so... I gave it a go? I don't mind reading dialogue in other languages in fic, if I need I just have google translate open to understand what's being said.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Depends how we're looking at it. Technically WWE when I was like 7 but idk if I'd count that. The first time I wrote fanfic and was aware that was what it was would've been Andi Mack, but the first fandom I wrote for on AO3 was Little Nightmares.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I feel like I'm most content with the writing in Thirium Pooling in His Chest (Bleeding Different, Feeling the Same) but I am probably proudest in myself for Ceramic Hearts because that fic was a real labour of love.

tagging: @half-oz-eddie @brightside-of-the-upsidedown @bigdumbbambieyes (no pressure!! hope you guys don't mind being tagged. I was really blanking on this aha)

[triviareads]

Note: I've linked StoryGraph summaries of every book to each title.

The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe

There was a lot of reasons The Duke Gets Even worked as well as it did and I can split it between the relatability factor and the hotness factor.

Because it's set in Gilded Age America, the language is definitely more accessible for first-time HR readers. Even content-wise, the heroine, Nellie, becomes a birth control advocate which comes at a... very fitting time for us here in the United States. She also harbors fears of losing herself to a man if she were to get married, all while being in that position where she's the only single in her friend group. Super relatable.

What is less relatable is just how off-the-charts the chemistry between Nellie and the Duke of Lockwood is. We know it's slowly building in the last 3 books but watching it implode is glorious. I don't know if this is a trend but Lockwood seems to written in the mold of the "new" HR hero, similar to MacLean's Duke of Clayborn, where they give and take in equal measure: sexually (in this case, a bit of pain), and perhaps they even give a little more emotionally in the beginning. They respect their heroines in that they have a deep understanding of what makes them tick, but obviously "respect" doesn't mean they aren't willing to get down and dirty. And when they do, it's GREAT.

Also, because of all the water imagery in this book, I'd recommend listening to the Moonlight soundtrack by Nicholas Britel while you read (try The Middle of the World).

Her Husband's Harlot by Grace Callaway

January has been my Grace Callaway month and I was endlessly delighted as I read every HR she's ever published. This was the first book I read by Grace (who is an Asian Canadian author btw), and it's exactly the sort of deranged nonsense I live for: a bit o' rough self-made hero elevated to the aristocracy, a genteel heroine he falls for immediately and marries, but he panics on their wedding night that the d was too big and he was an animal with her, so he goes to slake his lusts at a brothel with a harlot except, well, guess who the "harlot" is. It's great. 10/10 would recommend.

Fiona and the Enigmatic Earl by Grace Callaway

I was reaching the tail-end of my Callaway marathon when I hit this book and wow... I did not expect to be shook further by Grace. Not only did I enjoy the "investigative services for women" plot, but the couple, Fiona and Hawk, had excellent chemistry even as they ostensibly start off as having married out of "convenience".

There's too much to list but here are a few highlights: "oh no I'm too sore so mutual masturbation it is", One of the best carriage blowjob scenes, in part because he's *standing*, he performs a Clayborn (iykyk), there's a Victorian sex toy store, and there is a dungeon(s) in the toy store with an alter on which our heroine is "sacrificed".

What I Did for a Duke by Julie Anne Long

You can read the summary above⬆️ but let me take this opportunity to wax a rhapsodic on what worked for me in this book:

First, it features a hero hellbent on *revenge* for being cucked. Which is great. The *revenge* involves seducing the sister of the man who cucked him. Also great.

Listen... Alexander says some hot shit. And the reason it's hot isn't even because it's the dirtiest stuff; it's because Genevieve takes in his words and internally goes haywire, and any suggestiveness in Alex's words is not lost on her. She's a Knowing virgin, if you will. They're also usually the two smartest people in the room which makes for great dialogue suffused with barely-restrained sexual tension. Alex is also a very real hero, if that makes sense. He makes dumb jokes after having sex. He can't resist trolling his future brother-in-law. His grief is not over-the-top, but a quiet thing, and all the more moving for it.

Side note: @viscountessevie (Sahara), @jeanvanjer (Z), and I did, in fact, debate whether or not Alexander was daddy (the answer is no).

The Legend of Lyon Redmond by Julie Anne Long

The "Love at first sight" trope can easily be written in a trite, boring way, but Julie wrote it brilliantly here. The book alternated between flashbacks and present-day so we got the full picture of Lyon and Olivia's early relationship (in all its, ah, young adult glory. See: below). We also see them as older and fairly jaded and world-weary, which makes their reunion all the more moving and romantic (and hot. very hot).

It was an emotional book overall, and Z and I found ourselves crying for unexpected characters, to say the least.

The Counterfeit Scoundrel by Lorraine Heath (Releases on Feb 21st)

For the full (funny) story on how I got an early copy, see here.

This was very much a *thinking* book. Ever since I started writing as certain dark things are to be loved almost two years ago, I've always been on the look out for books that basically show that fight for women's rights neither began nor ended with suffrage. I appreciate this book because it delves into how much more difficult it was for women to be granted a divorce historically, and gives a fictionalized take on the lengths women might be willing to go to in order to get a divorce. Make no mistake, Blackwood and Daisy's relationship is very very romantic, but I think by the time I finished, I felt like the history was the main draw for me.

A Daring Pursuit by Kate Bateman

The classic familial enemies-to-lovers book. Also, it's very rare to see HR set in Wales, which I did appreciate. Anyway, "enemies" Carys (a proper Welsh name, according to Rhys Winterborne) and Tristan decide to have an affair so Carys can see what she's missing out on in the marriage bed. As it turns out, A Lot despite her thinking otherwise because of a bad first time. Obviously this gives our hero a chance to be all "he didn't do this for you??" It's all very fire-and-ice until they find themselves in over their heads with all their Feelings, especially Carys.

There is a very primal sex scene post bear-chase, and if that doesn't compel you to read this book, I don't know what will.

[parkitaco]

You mentioning you forgot about a fic you wrote made me giggle so i thought it would be fun to name my favorite stories of your and see if there are any others you’ve forgotten about 😂 my favorites in no particular order:

you were bigger than the whole sky (except this one, this is my absolute favorite story of yours and is easily in my list of top 10 fics i’ve ever read)

meet me in the afterglow

if the world was ending

the gaps and the silence

would it really kill you if we kissed

smoke signals

you had me for a minute there

can i ask you a question (i actually imagine this as a sequel to Undertow by beansie in a way lol)

that funny feeling

God i thank you so much for your gifts and stories parker. You’re such a talented writer

ohh my goodness first off thank you so much?? i'm so glad you like my stories <33

you were bigger than the whole sky - my baby my brainchild the scariest thing i've ever done (hyperbole but still)

meet me in the afterglow - this one i haven't reread in Months bc every time i do i see like fifty ways i could have written it better but. thank u for reading and appreciating it anyway <33

if the world was ending - ok actually i Did forget this one existed. mainly bc it was word vomit that i wrote in like an hour tops, posted, and never looked back but !! yay!!

the gaps and the silence - my Other baby brainchild literally fifty percent pre s4 byler dynamic and fifty percent Oh God Oh Fuck My Emotions. i didn't expect it to read all that well or coherent or anything but apparently people like my deranged emotional word vomit

would it really kill you if we kissed - yes i remember this one but Barely. that one was chaos and i rearranged all the scenes like 12 times but. here we are

smoke signals - sad mike wheeler my beloved. and also me fr

you had me for a minute there - literally the most ooc thing i've ever written but also so so fun to write

can i ask you a question - sort of like the gaps in the silence in that i was like. ok let's pick apart byler's relationship under a microscope. duffers let them talk through it bastards. (and undertow sequel are you kidding?? as if i could ever match the genius that is @byeler beansie truly the fic author of all time)

that funny feeling - ok this one i am proud of. worked on this for like two days straight tried so so hard to get the idiot mike internal dialogue right and if i'm allowed to brag about myself for a second i would say i kinda nailed it actually

thank u for reminding me of these!! i hadn't Forgotten per se but a lot of these are old and i'd left them in the back of my brain and it's crazy to me that there are people still out there appreciating them when i've like. not moved on but moved forward yknow??

[patrutrus]

February 23rd, 2011

Hello. I will be writing on this blog because I am researching a show called Happy Appy. One of the main reasons why I'm researching this show is because I've been fascinated with missing TV shows, episodes, and movies. Like most people who research missing episodes, I'm hell-bent on finding London after Midnight, the 108 missing Doctor Who episodes, and Him, the 1974 film where a man has a sexual obsession with Jesus. Even though I should help the search for any fragment of the missing episodes and films, I'm going to research this one series for now.

Another reason I want to research this show is because I had an experience with it around 2001. It was around eight in the morning. My younger brother, who was seven, was watching a local station during its child TV show block. After a dubbed over Blue's Clues, it started to air a show called Счастливые Яблоко, or Happy Apple. I can barely remember the episode’s plot, but it was about this apple who was trying to help a kid, named Nathaniel. It felt sort of low-budget, but since my brother liked the episode, I didn't mind him watching it. The only thing that made me dubious was this evil smile that the apple did in the middle of the episode.

From what I gathered, in the first weeks of Noggin’s existence, this "Happy Appy" show began production. Its plot was about a giant clay apple with arms, baby blue eyes, and large dark green lips being held up by a bent, rusty stick. He would go around in a white 1996 Ford Windstar helping children when they got injured. As the show kept going, the episodes started to become more unusual. For one example, Happy Appy would often stare at the viewers of the show with a deranged smile.

It’s also worth mentioning that the series slowly got more violent as the series progressed. Happy Appy was one of the shorter shows on Noggin, with every episode being 10 minutes long at the most. They played in duets, making each full episode 20 minutes long, minus commercials. A couple of months after Happy Appy aired its first episode, Nickelodeon cancelled the show, and it was never shown again on Noggin or Nick Jr. Even the much more appropriate episodes weren't shown for whatever reason. However, some parents did record the show, but they were VHS copies.

Of those said VHS copies, only a few survived through the years. Many of the tapes had been destroyed either due to neglect or disgust, or were simply misplaced and thrown out by accident. However, some copies of the show were reportedly stolen by a shadowy figure. I was one of the lucky people to own a copy of the episodes. Yesterday, when I did some winter cleaning, I found an old DVD with ‘H.A. Episodes’ written on it. I had a feeling that I knew this abbreviation from somewhere, I did some research on what the H.A. meant. My first choice was the forum about missing episodes/films that I normally go to.

When I entered the missing episode section of the forum, the first thread I saw was one named "HA? What's this?" A woman posted the thread, who had, like me, found a VHS with the initials "HA" on it. As I read the thread more, I found out that the initials on the disc stood for Happy Appy. This instantly reminded me of the weird low-budget show that I watched with my brother in 2000. In the replies, the users claimed that there are no known DVD copies around. I'm not sure how the disc got there, though. I certainly don't remember owning a disc that looked like it!

After viewing the thread, I went ahead and put it into the disk drive, hoping that it would work. Thankfully, the disc did work, and it instantly cut to the intros of the episode, no menus or anything. Happy Appy's intro song had the same tune as Mary Had a Little Lamb, and went something like this.

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day! 

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day!

Happy Appy Appy App,

Happy App, Happy App

Happy Appy Appy App,

He helps kids all day!

Episode 1 and 2 were called “Happy's Vacation” and “Hurt Happy”, respectively.

Happy's Vacation was exactly what you’d expect; Happy Appy goes on a vacation to the beach, heals injured kids, and even talks down a bully into not hurting a child. Hurt Happy was about Happy's stick getting broken, and the kids teaming up to help Happy Appy by giving him bandages and fruit. Nothing seemed out-of-place when I first saw it, but when I saw it a second time, the episodes looked questionably odd. When Happy was driving his van to the beach in Happy's Vacation, a few seconds skipped. At first, I ignored it, saying that it could be a scratched DVD. But when I checked the disc, it had no scratches on it whatsoever. Also, during the fruit scene in Hurt Happy, the kids gave him an apple for whatever reason. It could have been a mistake by the producers, though.

Finally, I noticed some things in Hurt Happy that looked out-of-place. In Happy's van during the intro of Happy's Vacation, there was what looked like the border of the HOPE poster, but it was so out of frame that it could have been something else. At the end of Hurt Happy, there was a news broadcast about a 9.0 earthquake that recently struck Japan. Happy responded "Oh no! If you want to help the Japanese, call this number!" and a 1-800 number appeared. I thought those were just coincidental. Well, I was wrong. Episodes 3 and 4 were stranger. The intros of these two episodes were removed, but I found out that Episode 4's name was "Nate Needs Help". This struck out to me because this was the very same episode I saw with my brother, but in English!

Episodes 3 and 4 were missing a few scenes, and, overall, more disturbing than the first two. On Episode 3 - near the 5:10 mark - is when Happy Appy does his first evil smile for 25 seconds. A scene that could send chills down anyone's spine was the Boo-boo part in "Nate Needs Help". Happy aids Nate, who has a bruise on his knee. He looks to the camera, giving off the same evil smile that I remember from 2000, and says "What does Nate need for this booboo?” For 30 seconds, he stared at the camera, motionless, with his soulless baby blue eyes locking on to anyone watching. Finally, he broke the silence by saying "That's right, a bandage!" Why did he need that long to speak, I will never know.

Also, the out-of-place objects were getting more noticeable. In Nate Needs Help, the radio plays what sounds like a country cover of "Hot and Cold", which was made in 2008 and very out-of-place for a kid's show.

[salmonline]

Teaching a computer to eradicate me in Pong

Hi people of Tumblr, it's me again. Over the next few months, I'm going to claw my way through Harvard's CS50G course. You'll get to experience my downfalls right as they happen, so let's get right into it. John Harvard says I can't share project solutions, but I'll be talking about course notes I find interesting and perhaps some high-level breakdowns of how I approached each assignment!

This week was a nice little introduction to Love2D! I've been meaning to check it out ever since I heard the Playdate console would be using an optimized version of it. In my mind, it feels very similar to something like Smile BASIC for the 3DS, but this time it's on a computer so I'd actually want to use it.

Skipping a bunch of boilerplates for how the whole "making a window and slapping text and rectangles in it" thing works, the course also had a high-level overview for some simple 2D object collision. As someone who has only made very icky smelly garbage collision, it was cool to see how braindead simple AABB collision was in concept. Sure, you can't rotate things or make sloped surfaces, but... we're making pong.

The course also had the audacity to mention bfxr, so it loses 1 billion points in my book.

This week's assignment was to make a simple little logic loop so you could play against the computer. It seems straightforward enough to tell the computer to scoot the paddle up and down in relation to the pong... ball... ??? but what I'm really here to talk about is the ternary operator in Lua.

For those who aren't absolutely deranged, allow me to explain. The ternary operator is a simple way to tell the computer to make an if/then/else decision. Like, if I'm hungry, then I'll eat shredded cheese out of the bag, else I'll go to the store and stock up on more shredded cheese. Normally, I've seen this operator written with "?" and ":", so hear me out:

hungry ? eat_cheese() : shop_for_cheese()

I could almost make the argument that this is somewhat human-readable. You could figure out the implied "else" that the colon brings with your context clues. Now check this out:

hungry and eat_cheese() or shop_for_cheese()

I can definitely see how this could make more sense, but how can you be hungry AND eating cheese? The "or" might make more sense, but I rested my case a sentence ago.

I spent the extra minute making sure the Pong computer player looked smooth and integrated well with the project's existing documentation, and am about to submit the thing for review. Good first day.

If anyone is wondering, mozzarella is on the menu tonight.

[cloudie-skay]

This would have been a post befitting of Pride month but I say I can post about sexuality and gender any damn time I want. I also just want this written down somewhere

Identity is one shitty puzzle and I lost the box for it ages ago

It was easy to accept that I was nonbinary. It's one of the first things I discovered about myself when the idea of different genders and sexualities was just getting introduced to me. There were signs that even a younger me recognised. I have journal entries dating to 2016 where I referred to my as a gender-neutral person back when I thought I was inventing the term. I told my best friend I was genderfluid but then whenever they asked what pronouns I felt like that day it was always they/them. There had always been some sort of disconnect when people called me a girl that I couldn't quite pinpoint. So when I stared at the definition of nonbinary for maybe a bit too long, it all kinda clicked in place.

It was easy to accept that I was asexual. Getting rid of all the imbalanced hormones and religious trauma, there was no desire left. There was a morbid curiosity for something I was barred from really knowing about but then that was it? Catholic school really scared us into thinking we'd become deranged sex addicts if we looked at porn at all. Then came how others described how they perceived attractive people. Sometimes it came with an underlying motivation that I didn't really understand. I really went through life thinking sexual attraction was some sort of inside joke I just didn't quite get yet because I haven't had sex. Though it didn't initially occur to me that it was because I simply didn't have any sexual attraction, I figure it out eventually. At this point, I wouldn't bat an eye if it turns out I'm demisexual instead though.

Despite all these lables seeming slotting into my identity pretty neatly, it was not and still isn't easy to come to terms that I might be aromantic. To me it simultaneously doesn't make any sense and makes too much sense.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I say with emphasis on hopeless every single time. I've had crushes, I've dated people, and I have a desire for romance! Surely that means something?

But I fantasise over the most mundane things, I read fairy tales of princesses and their knights, I watched movies of people falling in love. Maybe the romance I want isn't something I could even get.

I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the intimacy and emotions you get from romantic love. I've always wanted that kind of love where you are each other's world, where you put each other over most else. I still want to be held desperately close by the person who knows me like the back of their hand, as I do them

But whenever I think of these scenarios and images, I can never really put someone there with me. There's never a solid image of someone in my life that I could fully imagine doing those act with.

The pessimistic side of me thinks I'll feel like this forever, that I'm just not built for that kind of love no matter how hard I try. And that I shouldn't pull someone through my fantasies without loving them the same way.

The desperate optimistic side of me thinks that maybe I just need to find the right person. That when I finally do, I would pour all this bottled up love on them as soon as I can. Maybe even a little scared that I'd love too intensely.

As of now, I can't piece that part of my identity and even then, I don't even know if I'd like what piece ends up fitting in that empty space. I feel like that this point, I'm avoiding finishing the puzzle because halfway in, I realised I didn't like the picture I was about to complete.

I like the parts I did put together before, and I'll probably stare at the unfinished puzzle for a while before I dare put it together fully

[deanwasalwaysbi]

I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network: 

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler,  (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward.  Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard.  But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or  or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9  - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand”  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover” and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x)  [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line?  This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel   (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there - 

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.”  [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?”  Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it.  So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship.  It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

[itsbenedict]

Earlier I started posting about the games I played this year, and now here's the rest of them!

Rogue Legacy 2

This one's still in early access, but I've seen most of what it has to offer so far. If you played the first Rogue Legacy, it's more of that- bigger, with more classes and spells and locations, and a new Relics system that gives a little bit of upgrade progression-type stuff to each run. I like it!

If you haven't played the first Rogue Legacy- it's a roguelite platformer! You go through a spooky castle fighting enemies and also smashing every single piece of furniture you see just in case gold coins are hiding inside. When you die, your descendant picks up where you left off, and can use your inherited gold coins to buy upgrades and unlock more stuff. Also, this time it appears to have a story! The ending's not in yet, but it's reasonably interesting so far.

Psycholonials

Jegus fucking christ. What a thing this was! It sure... was a thing!

If you don't know, Psycholonials is a visual novel created by Andrew Hussie, creator of Homestuck- the first properly non-Homestuck thing he's done in ages. I was excited to find out what he'd been sitting on for so long, and...

Uh. How do I describe Psycholonials? It's... it escalates. It does the thing Homestuck and Problem Sleuth do where it starts out simple, and then sort of unfolds fractally into this insane clusterfuck that's constantly upping the stakes and getting increasingly deranged in a way that technically follows entirely logically from what came before.

Where Psycholonials is interesting is in that it... doesn't use game mechanics or space magic or whatever to drive that escalation, for the most part. It is... I would not in a million years call it realistic, because the events of the story are a psychotic doomer fever dream with a tenuous grasp on human reality, but it at least purports to take place on Earth, with events driven by human action in our modern world. There's some weird plausibly-deniable meta space magic stuff in there, but it could be plausibly written off as a delusion.

I don't think I, like, agree with most of what it's saying, but it sure is saying some stuff! In a really unique way! It's worth experiencing, at least.

(soundtrack's kinda weak though. lot of very pretty piano compositions but the very pretty piano compositions really do not work as emotional backdrop for most of these moments. idk if the inappropriate musical accompaniment was supposed to be making a statement or what, but i don't think it worked.)

Monster Train

Eesh. Okay, so- it's a roguelike deckbuilder, all the rage these days. Very pretty art. Very fun, mostly very well-balanced except the DLC goes the "okay now pump the difficulty up insanely so that only one strategy actually works and fuck you if you want to have fun" route. Polished and enjoyable and...

...and I got seriously addicted and wasted way way way too much time on it. Like a month of my life doing nothing else with my free time. I don't know exactly what the special sauce is that makes it do that, but I had to uninstall- this one's dangerous.

The Witch & The 66 Mushrooms

A short and sweet retro-styled metroidvania platformer. Not too much to say about it- it's cute, it's fun, there's a handful of really annoying challenges you have to do for 100% completion and the good ending- but overall, a pretty breezy experience. Took me about 3 hours to beat 95% of and another 3 hours to beat the last 5% of.

Deltarune (chapter 2)

If you've been holding off on Deltarune because it's not complete: that's valid, but each chapter is a mostly contained story so far- they're more like individual short games, at least for the two chapters that are out. Chapter 2 is hysterical, featuring a new main antagonist who is an evil cyborg queen that learned about humanity Lightners from the internet, and who is just the best. There's also a second [𝙴𝚇𝙲𝙻𝚄𝚂𝙸𝚅𝙴! $𝟷𝟿.𝟿𝟿 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎] antagonist who is apparently [𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐨𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫] lately, but he's not as good as the main attraction and very best cyber-tyrant.

-

That's everything I finished in 2021, but there's a few things I've sunk a lot of time into that are worthy of a mention, even though I'm not quite done with them yet.

Eastward

Holy damn, this game is gorgeous. It's like... every inch of this world is custom pixelart, made by someone who clearly loves doing pixelart, because there's no other reason there'd be this damn much of it. Every background NPC has a name and a character design, no reused generic townsfolk assets. Every building in every area- even if it's just there for decoration and the door is locked- is a custom piece packed with little details. You only see, like, tilesets and reused art in wilderness or dungeon areas where the terrain needs to be legible for combat and puzzle-solving- otherwise the whole game is just a work of art.

(the gameplay is very simplistic and the movement controls seem a little awkward considering how polished the rest of it is- it recommends a gamepad but the way aiming works I suspect it works better with mouse and keyboard. combat is serviceable but the art and story are the real draw.)

I'm only about halfway through it right now, so I don't know where the story is going exactly, but there sure is a lot of it- it's a very story-focused thing, following an old man and his surrogate daughter as they're forced to flee their lives in a Jiha Village-esque subterranean mining colony and adventure throughout a colorful world being menaced by some sort of ancient apocalyptic threat. I'm excited to see where it goes!

Trails to Azure

Trails from Zero and Trails to Azure (Zero no Kiseki and Ao no Kiseki) are a couple JRPGs in the Trails series that were never localized in the west- they skipped right from Trails in the Sky to Trails of Cold Steel. A fan organization called Geofront took it upon themselves to do full translation projects for the games, so I finally got to fill in that gap. (The fan translations have actually recently been taken down, though- because the Geofront actually got approached by NIS to partner in officially localizing the games, with the bulk of the work already being done- the fan translation patch is now going to be the official release, whenever that comes out.)

Anyway, the duology takes place in Crossbell this time- unlike the other Trails games, which have you journeying across a whole nation, Crossbell is a single city (plus a couple outlying villages), brought to life in exquisite detail. The Trails series is hard to localize because there's so much dialogue- every NPC in these games is a character with a name and face and little story arc of their own, developing over the course of a long story where each NPC has new dialogue every time the plot advances fractionally. Crossbell feels real- it makes me feel disappointed that I can't like, actually buy a plane ticket to go visit it. I can't ever visit Morges Bakery in real life! That feels so unjust!

I've finished Zero and I'm on the final chapter of Azure right now- and man, Azure is definitely the best of the second-entry Trails games. Usually the first game in a pair introduces a setting and characters, and then in the second game you stay in the same setting with the same characters while Mysterious Badguy Organization "Ouroboros" does an evil supermagic JRPG plot that makes no sense. Azure does keep the same setting and characters, but this time the plot feels properly foreshadowed and the big twists earned. (A lot of the weaker stuff in Cold Steel feels in retrospect like it was blindly aping a lot of the stuff that succeeded in the Crossbell games.)

Anyway, the fun combat, good writing, and great soundtrack mean it'll be a solid rec when it gets officially rereleased in, uh, 2023 apparently. Glad I got in early!

Raft

It's a survival-crafting game like so many others, except instead of a big empty asset flip wilderness, you're on a raft drifting through the wreckage of an apocalyptic flood that destroyed civilization. The basic loop of "reel in trash" -> "expand raft" is pretty satisfying, and the islands you can visit to progress the story have some pretty fun things going on. I'm waiting to play it in a group with some friends before I finish it.

Inscryption

It's a roguelike deckbuilder! ...At first. It's a horror game, too, where you're playing across a table from some sort of shadowy horror that has a sort of obsession with hunting and survivalism and kill-or-be-killed. If that were all it was, it'd be pretty good- the card game itself is strategically compelling and has a lot of fun synergies and unique challenges.

But it's by the same guy who made Pony Island and The Hex, so you know shit is gonna get weird and meta. I'm only like a third of the way through the game (I've reached "act 2", which is- like, cool for what it's doing, but less fun so far) and I don't know entirely where it's going, but it's definitely doing a lot of fun creepypasta shit. Zero is constantly on my ass to finish it already so he can talk spoilers with me, so I know it's good.

The Outer Wilds

You are a space alien who lives on a tiny planet. You have a spaceship that lets you fly around your solar system. The fucking sun keeps exploding and you have to timeloop back to 20 minutes before the sun explodes, to figure out why the sun keeps exploding and how to stop it from exploding so much.

It's a really unique experience- it's a spaceflight exploration game where you have to hunt down secrets and hints across an open world of planets with different gravity and exotic properties, many of which will kill you stone dead and send you back to the beginning. Your progress is measured in information gained, as you traverse the world and uncover ancient ruins and mysterious facilities and precursor aliens and quantum magic and all kinds of mind-blowing stuff.

I'm currently kind of stuck, having exhausted most of my leads and my best remaining lead probably being somewhere deep inside a horrifying MC Escher-ass nest of jumpscare space anglerfish, but I'm sure I'll work up the courage to go back in there and finish the game someday.

[gaycaffeinebee]

Worship the French Fry (Part Two)

WRITER’S NOTE: Typically, I do not mind when people don’t tag me when they use my prompts. But for anything over 200 words and any of my series (especially if you copy word for word) please tag me! I’d love to see what OCs and characters y'all would put with these two (A and B).

This series can be read/written separately (individual chapters), but I picture the surroundings, characters, and references to be from the same story.

(Part one)

Warnings (for this chapter): Emotional half asleep "reason why I love you" speech, mention of hyperventilation, mushy fluff

History/Pre-knowledge (for this chapter):

B typically has short hair but they haven't gotten it cut in a while

C and D are family members or close friends of B

A has a thing with books and reading - stereotypically book nerd

*A’s no longer sitting "next to” B - A’s more like lounging on top of them now - A kind of senses B falling asleep under them - A looks up to see B resting their head on the back of the couch (this looks very uncomfortable from A’s angle) – B’s eyes lingering closed every few seconds - A moves off of them and B shoots up in panic with tired puppy eyes because A moved*

A- "I'm not going anywhere- come here sweetheart," *A sits up and gesture to their lap - B takes the hint and lays down on them - wrapping their arms around A’s waist - closing their eyes - their hair had gotten kind of shaggy so A can run their hands through it a bit - moving the bit that had gotten in B’s face- they look up at A and sleepily smiles- they’re just so pretty*

A- *A ponders for a moment* "Hey, can I ask you a question, Love?"

*B closes their eyes as A continues to run their fingers through their hair*

B- *sleepy voice* "Of course,"

A- "Why me?"

*They open their eyes concerned but still sleepy* "Why you?"

A- "You looked at me, a deranged human, and said 'I pick that one' - why?"

B- "Babe you're perfect why wouldn't I?" *B's still really really sleepy but genuinely concerned - they squeeze A’s waist tighter waiting for a response*

A- "No no no not perfect but this isn't a self-analyzing or self-esteem thing - I'm genuinely curious,"

*B looks satisfied with A’s answer and closes their eyes again*

B- "You're sweet, you're genuine, you're honest,” *B pauses deciding whether they want to elaborate or not* “I appreciate the work you put into living A- you aren't just living to die like a movie extra - you care and it shows – you’re not just one of the pretty faces that looks at life like a 9 to 5 job, you have fun and you get into it and get attached – your love for reading is incredible - I've watched you read through books before and seen you physically react to the smallest plot twist - you laugh, you've almost cried, you've rolled paper backs up and smacked me in the head," *B giggles sleepily* "You care about the people around you - you with me and C and D - you don't treat them like stranger’s – you treat them like family- the way you talk to D is almost like they’re your sibling - When I first met your best friend of 6 months and listened to you talk about them previously, I would've thought y’all grew up together- the way you focus on the things you love doing - your 'undying focus face' with your books, again – it’s like you’re memorizing every last line and it’s fucking adorable- you have a positive attitude about everything- even if you hate what you're doing, you don't bring others down with you because of it- your sarcasm and humor is absolute perfection- your jokes are actually funny and baby you don't light up a room - you're the power source of the entire building- Your smile is actually the goddamn sun *B yawns and A giggles* and you treat me like a human - I feel like I’m close to you and not just a passerby,” *B’s arms are kind of loosening as they’re relaxing into almost-sleep* “You know how to push buttons but you respect my boundaries- You make me genuinely happy and I feel like I'm home,"

*B's pretty much completely unconscious within a few seconds- A just holds them trying not to get too emotional or potentially hyperventilate- A eventually lets out a breath they didn't know they were holding- B knows - B cares - B feels loved- that's all A wants now*

*A sits there watching them sleep on their lap – B’s smiling in their sleep and it's adorable -A knows if they don't go to bed B's gonna wake up with a backache from the couch - A slowly flips B around and picks them up bridal style – B’s head resting on their shoulder - their height makes B look heavier than they are - A has no issues getting them to the bedroom- they set B on the side of the bed- B rolls onto their side facing away from the center of the bed - A can't get the covers out from under B so they grab a thick blanket - A covers them completely- B stirs a bit - this kid sleeps like a goddamn rock*

B- *with a groggy voice, not opening their eyes* "do- did you just-"

A- "Yes -hush - sleep" *A gets under the blanket on the other side of the bed and comes up behind B – grabbing B's middle and getting themself closer - B easily relaxes into them and A can tell immediately - A falls asleep with B in their arms and with a smile on their face*

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of Marvel: Week of August 7th, 2019

Best of this Week: Absolute Carnage #1 - Donny Cates, Ryan Stegman, JP Mayer, Frank Martin and Clayton Cowles

God is Here.

The seeds have been sown all over the Marvel Universe for the re-emergence of Carnage in a big way for months. He’s had single back-up pages in The Avengers, Black Cat, Captain Marvel, Immortal Hulk and many others portending his arrival and the sheer amount of people and creatures that are now within his thrall. Everything is coming to a head and it is absolutely terrifying.

The book begins with Eddie Brock recalling the events of everything Donny Cates has written since he took over the character.and other past events that have ultimately shaped what will soon happen. Eddie tells his son Dylan, who doesn’t know that Eddie is his father, about Knull, the God of the Symbiotes, and how he’s being kept asleep by the planet of symbiotes surrounding him. The only way for Knull to be woken up is if someone collected enough symbiote pieces and DNA to reconnect to the hive mind and if Knull is reawakened, he will begin spreading a new age of darkness across the cosmos.

Eddie references the fights against the Dragon of Knull in the beginning of his run, but also talks about the other people who have held the Symbiote or symbiotes. He pulls so much history out in so few sentences, along with a stellar double page spread by Stegman that one might be convinced to check out other great stories just to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Characters from Maximum Carnage are shown, heroes that may have been changed during Venomized and of course Captain America, The Thing and Wolverine from the amazing Carnage USA.

After Eddie recounts the danger that the two are in, they see that Eddie is a wanted man after killing many inmates at Ryker’s Island. Of course Eddie was never there and after suspecting that they’re being followed, Eddie tells Dylan that they need to make a break for it and they run away from their tail into the subway. Unfortunately for them, Cletus Kasady was lying in wait and pushes them onto the tracks, only for them to be saved by their tail; Venom. 

Eddie re-bonds with the symbiote after derailing the train and a new and terrifying Carnage confronts them. Stegman wastes not a single stroke in making Carnage look like a menacing force of pure psychotic evil. His teeth are jagged, his limbs are gangly with “skin” that looks like it’s constantly dripping with blood an his ribcage and spine are exposed, but covered in the same material. He could almost be considered skeletal if not for the pumping veins all around him. This is a Monster Carnage, even more terrifying than 2015’s Carnage series and many times more powerful.

Carnage, like most children of other symbiotes, has always been stronger than Venom. Though, with enough force and maybe some help, Carnage has always been defeated one way or another, but not this time. Kasady beats the ever living hell out of Venom, smacking him in the face and smashing him into the ground. He gets right on the cusp of killing him before Eddie grabs the third rail of the subway line and electrocutes the both of them, a temporary victory so that he and Dylan can escape. The symbiote puts Eddie into something of a coma while he heals the body and takes them to the one person that can help.

In a little diner where they think it’s safe, Eddie, Dylan and Spider-Man talk about what’s been going on. Spider-Man is taken aback and annoyingly jokes to Eddie about all of this being out of his league before a news report is shown depicting a mass grave of people that have had their spines ripped out, likely for the Symbiote DNA or Codices (plural for Codex) as Eddie calls them. After some chumps try to rob the diner, Spider-Man takes them out handedly while formulating a plan with Eddie, saying that Reed Richards could have made a machine to help remove the Codex from anyone that has ever been attached to a symbiote, but he would have needed to start long ago.

We then cut to The Maker, the Reed Richards from the Ultimate Universe that has taken up residence in the 616 Universe, as he’s actually been working on such a machine for use on Flash Thompson. The Maker’s goals and those of his employers are unknown and that makes for horrifying implications because there is no way that he is up to any sort of good at all and makes it clear that he too is trying to reunite the symbiotes.

Spider-Man shows up with Normie Osborn as the first possible test subject, but doesn’t want it to be used until he knows that it’s safe. Maker moans that if he has to be so sure, then he should find someone else with a codex, someone dangerous that Carnage may in fact go after next. Peter and Eddie get the same thought: Norman Osborn.

Norman had used the Carnage symbiote to become the Red Goblin not too long ago and after his defeat at the hands of Spider-Man, lost his mind and gained the memories and personality of Cletus Kasady. Things go to hell in a handbasket very quickly as John Jameson, the guard who let them into Ravencroft also known as the Man-Wolf, reveals himself as another of Carnage’s infected puppets.

Mayer then coats the book in an intense and overbearing red hue, signaling nothing but danger as Carnage throws pieces of himself into each cell. There are elements of body horror as he pulls these tiny bits of himself out of his chest and they burrow into the victims. Kasady’s mouth and eyes also seem to drip with his symbiote form as he and the other barrel down on Venom and Spider-Man. A giant and beautiful brawl ensues with the infected ripping and tearing at the pair. The mass of bodies overwhelm and Eddie almost begins to kill before being reigned in by Spider-Man. Unfortunately Spider-Man gets caught by Carnage.

It was around here that I had the realization that Pete and Cletus haven’t actually clashed in YEARS. Maybe as far back as 2011’s Carnage USA was the last time the two fought, so to see Pete finally see him again with half of his mask gone, there’s a small bit of fear in his body language. This is doubled as Carnage throws Spider-Man into Norman’s cell door, breaking it open to reveal a deranged Norman who appears to have been slicing himself with a piece of glass in his cell. With the combination of the bright red of his blood juxtaposed against the darkness of his cell, Norman stands out, not as the cunning genius that we knew him, but as another victim of Carnage and he smiles with mad glee.

Absolute Carnage #1 absolutely lives up to the hype that has been built for it. This story can expand so far and with the tie-ins that have been announced, I’m actually very excited. Carnage has been scary, but this is on a whole new level for him. You never quite know who is one of his thralls! Hell, John Jamson appeared to be completely normal until the trigger was pulled in him and turned him into another monster. Carnage has always been a problem for the larger Marvel universe whenever people have had to fight him individually. Deadpool had a hard time fighting him. Captain America, Wolverine, Hawkeye and the Thing almost died fighting him. Even when he was temporarily a good guy during AXIS, he was still horrifically dangerous.

With new god-like abilities, lack of weaknesses and unimaginable unpredictability, what can anyone do?

Ryan Stegman’s art needs to be absolutely praised as well. His lines are crisp and heavy in an almost perfect way. He manages to give things a darkness and depth to them that makes everything feel absolutely brutal, disgusting and weighty. He can capture faces of absolute terror, rage and every wonderful expression that Venom makes. Personally I love how emotive he makes Spider-Man’s mask with the eyes widening and shrinking with his surprise or incredulity. He also has a talent for spreads as there are about three really good ones that really shows his skill for depth of field. Venom and Spider-Man also look incredibly strong. We all know that I love muscular art and all of their muscles are accentuated through their costumes. Spider-Man has his lithe and athletic body and Venom is nothing but raw strength and I love it.

Absolute Carnage hit every correct note. There was violence, horror and even a little bit of family drama. The stakes are very high and while not on the same scale as War of the Realms, the sheer amount of murders caused and their horrifying nature is more than enough to be concerned about. Donny Cates looks like he’s going to do it again with his first big Marvel event (I think, I don’t really remember) and bring us all to another level of badass storytelling.

High recommend.

---------------------------------------------------

I have never been more interested in Moira MacTaggert than I am right now.

Runner Up: House of X #2 - Jonathan Hickman, Pepe Larraz, Marte Garcia and Clayton Cowles

I've always seen Moira as just another supporter of mutants that tragically had their life ended because of The Brotherhood's evil schemes. I loved that she supported Charles dreams and wanted to help mutants, but never actually knew that she herself was a mutant. She's always had something of a tumultuous history and this issue of House of X expands on that in the most amazing way and shows how important she truly has been in the advancement of the lives of mutant kind this entire time.

In her first life, Moira MacTaggert lived a fairly normal existence. She went to school, married, had kids and died at the rope old age of 78. Soon after, she woke in her mother's womb, capable of remembering everything that she had done in the past life. It was strange and she couldn't let on what she knew, but she knew that she was special somehow. It wasn't until she saw Charles Xavier on the news that it all clicked for her. When he said the word mutant, everything changed for her. She went to try and meet him, only for her plane to crash, ending that life. 

In her third life, she dedicated herself to biology and sought out a cure for the X-Gene, achieving as much only for it to go horribly wrong when Mystique and Destiny, a character who died in Fall of the Mutants (1988) and was last seen in Necrosha (2010), appear and murder all of her fellow scientists. Destiny tells Moira that she knows what her abilities are and that if she continues down a path that could lead to the extinction of mutants, Destiny will always be there to stop her. She tells her that the only path to stop this cycle of reincarnation is to do whatever she can to help mutant kind. 

As a reminder, Destiny has Pyro slowly burn Moira alive so that she never forgets what it will be like to die at her hands.

From here, Moira becomes a radical, leading lives that take her away from Xavier's dream and push her further into darkness. Everything becomes a lesson in repeating the past, however. At first she lives the normal life and history that we already know. Forming a school for gifted youth, the schism between Magneto and Charles, The X-Men and eventually Charles' and mutantkind's death at the hands of Sentinels.

In the life after that, she shows Charles her past lives and turns him into a radical, managing to take over America before Sentinels kill them again. The next sees her kill the Trask family line, only for someone else to design Sentinels instead. She aligns with Magneto or Apocalypse in different lives, all reaching similar or even worse endings.

Eventually, she realizes that there's only one path that she hasn't truly tried: Embracing the dream and making it real. This is the House of X timeline.

We've seen Moira passively protect mutants, but never engaged with Charles in a way that could truly help him. With knowledge of past events, the two can find a path forward that would not only save mutants, but propel their evolution farther. I believe that's why Charles has sought to UNITE everyone. Apocalypse, Magneto, Mystique, Mister Sinister, all of mutantkind under one banner to make the lives of all better. It's certainly a dream, but Moira MacTaggert is the linchpin that makes that dream a reality.

She's always been one of the X-Men's smartest and loyal friends. With her help, her genius behind Charles' vision there's no way that the House of X can fall. It's very telling that every path that utilizes violence or tries to eradicate one side has always lead to ruin. It's even more telling that even the peaceful path requires some bit of strong arming, but if that's what it takes to get humans to stop killing mutants, then it really doesn't matter. Charles will have peace between the two sides and Moira is more than willing to embrace this beautiful new path.

[mysymmetry]

What an immense amount of changes, broad and deep. Memories of Montreal, particularly, are floating over my consciousness like they were yesterday. Like I am here on vacation for a few days, living in the apartment of a woman I don't know, but whose placement of objects is utterly known and familiar to my body. Like I could drive the Civic back to Montreal, to the next apartment I had after my small studio, and fit back into my city life.

I no longer have a city life.

I have this life.

I love it dearly - it so huge and filled with objects, and most things remain within my realm of understanding. I don't own anything worth more than $100,000 (haha, not even close), I do not have life insurance or policies covering large swathes of properties, investments, intangibles. Technically, my sofa does not even belong to me. When I leave here, it may go back to my mothers basement, where it will emanate my life and occasionally my mother will be drawn into the room where it sits, and approach it, though never sit on it, getting just close enough to enter its energetic field, and feel the raw, vibrating power of her daughters life, all of its highs and lows, the clothing I threw over the back of it, the men that have laid on top of me on top of it, the smears of chips and popcorn onto its cushions, the indentations from my butt and the left side of my forehead where I curl into it and nap. Every exhale it has absorbed.

I love it dearly, even though Paul is gone and it makes not a lick of sense. His murder has weighed heavy on me the past few days. Like all horrible things, every so often I wake up and let the shock of it wash over me again. "Paul Pender was murdered last night" "WHAT?" And then the supreme courts, and the fear rippling in that what if this person is so mad at us that he comes for us too? Where is the best place to relocate a deranged animal? Why do we fight to prove that guilty people are innocent? How can the truth be so dismissable? I lock my door now.

I like my hairstyle and how it looks when it's clean right now. That was different 2 months ago. I am not as thin as I was last summer, and returning to that thinness feels implausible with my current job. I used to be in constant physical motion, walking all day. Now my brain moves all day, trying to single-task while driving but the compulsion is to spin out. There will probably always be a part of me that idealizes thinness. I see it. I can love myself through it. I already do.

I don't have the desire to leave, start over, reimagine a whole new life. The idea of finding a new place to live and discovering all of its quirks and shortcomings and lack of outlets, uncleanable parts and noisiness feels like it would drain me of all presence and energy. I want to plant plants here and arrange a garden and have a few less things in the basement and maybe get bees. One more year of rootedness until my Saturn return is perfected and moves into shadow. These years have been fundamentally different. A new architecture and language around me will not solve what is within me. Only my gaze will. Only my presence will light it up.

Can you believe that all of this has happened? Paul and Zak and Bench and Labatt, hah!, I work for Labatt, and the Equinox and how I don't own any of the same clothing from first year university anymore, and I've forgotten parts of my life, while other moments, moments that seem perfectly inane, are burnt into my memory with precision and gravity. Here I am, writing. I have not written in so long because what is there to say? Paul was murdered.